progress

i just sent my application for the Semester in Spain Student Ministries Coordinator position. now it's time to pray for the Lord's will to be done.
i have come to a place where i will be excited to spend another year in moka, if that is how my next year should look, because my love for my job, students, and co-workers is an endless source of joy, and not many people can say that about their jobs, so i will count it a blessing.
i am fully aware of these facts: i don't love kousuke (okay that one was obvious), i don't want to love kousuke, i don't want kousuke to love me, and most importantly i want kousuke to love someone who will really love him because he is a wonderful person.

all of these things are signs of progress in my life. praise God.

Renewal.

Today I made a verbal agreement in the presence of several of my work-related superiors to return to Japan next fall and teach for another year.

In the back of my head, a little voice said, "Except if I get hired for the job I'm applying for in Spain."

It's been a tough couple of days, trying to prepare for this decision. I don't feel like there was a "right" or "wrong" answer, which is hard for me. I don't feel like the God of the Universe willed for me to say either "yes" or "no." So I acknowledged the fears I have about both answers, and decided to say yes. I feel relieved to have simply delivered an answer. My fears are not entirely gone, but hope is much greater than fear. Another year in Japan will not be easy, but either would a year in any other country. Life is tough, but it's beautiful.

one more thing to add to the adventure - today I received an email letting me know that there is a position open in Seville, Spain with the studied abroad program I went with 3 years ago. I have wanted this position since I learned it existed 3 years ago. Now it is available, and I am qualified. The only drawback - the interview process doesn't begin until March, and I have to decide if I will stay in Japan by Feb. 10th. Yikes!

6,000 miles

I am effectively lonely. And it’s okay. The last time I was lonely, I sent a text message to my Japanese lover who had previously told me, “If you ever feel lonely or homesick, please tell me.” I sent him a message to let him know, and he didn’t respond. So I stayed in my room all evening feeling sorry for myself and being pissy. While pouting at my desk, I ended up talking to friends from Sevilla via facebook. It was beautiful.

He didn’t respond because he was at work, and he is not allowed to have his cell phone at work because he does top secret stuff test driving cars that won’t hit the market until about 5 years from now. (It’s a hot job, I know, that’s why he’s my lover ;-)). I didn’t know what to do when he didn’t respond. I am accustomed to getting my way. If I say jump, the people around me generally love me enough and have enough freedom to say “How high?” This is not because I’m a controlling dictator of a friend or a bully. It is because I am usually surrounded by people who genuinely and deeply love me. (And it helps that I’m not the Girl Who Cried Wolf, so they don’t have tired legs from constantly jumping on command)

I don’t have that here in Japan. And it is okay. It is natural. I have been here 112 days. I don’t speak Japanese. I didn’t come with friends. It is completely normal for me to be lonely.  Intimate friendships take time. Trust takes time.

So today, instead of locking myself in my room in an attempt to sulk (that turned into something much more beautiful, praise God!), I will give thanks for the wonderful friendships I have at home in the States, and I will give myself permission to feel the emotions that naturally come with being 6,000 miles from the people who love me most.

Today I am lonely.