6,000 miles

I am effectively lonely. And it’s okay. The last time I was lonely, I sent a text message to my Japanese lover who had previously told me, “If you ever feel lonely or homesick, please tell me.” I sent him a message to let him know, and he didn’t respond. So I stayed in my room all evening feeling sorry for myself and being pissy. While pouting at my desk, I ended up talking to friends from Sevilla via facebook. It was beautiful.

He didn’t respond because he was at work, and he is not allowed to have his cell phone at work because he does top secret stuff test driving cars that won’t hit the market until about 5 years from now. (It’s a hot job, I know, that’s why he’s my lover ;-)). I didn’t know what to do when he didn’t respond. I am accustomed to getting my way. If I say jump, the people around me generally love me enough and have enough freedom to say “How high?” This is not because I’m a controlling dictator of a friend or a bully. It is because I am usually surrounded by people who genuinely and deeply love me. (And it helps that I’m not the Girl Who Cried Wolf, so they don’t have tired legs from constantly jumping on command)

I don’t have that here in Japan. And it is okay. It is natural. I have been here 112 days. I don’t speak Japanese. I didn’t come with friends. It is completely normal for me to be lonely.  Intimate friendships take time. Trust takes time.

So today, instead of locking myself in my room in an attempt to sulk (that turned into something much more beautiful, praise God!), I will give thanks for the wonderful friendships I have at home in the States, and I will give myself permission to feel the emotions that naturally come with being 6,000 miles from the people who love me most.

Today I am lonely.