quick review

Um... where to begin? Since my last post, I've had my passport stamped about 8 times... I traveled South East Asia for 15 days and tasted a little of Thailand, Malaysia and Indonesia. In my travels I was reminded of how much joy kind strangers bring me. The fact that I had to be reminded of this opened my eyes to how much I have missed it during time in Japan, and this was a little alarming...

    Now I'm back in Japan, teaching once again. I still love my students. I like going to work. If I could take my job and drop it into the middle of a country where strangers are nice to me, it would be fantastic. But I can't, which means my life is currently less than fantastic. It's not terrible by any means, and I can find ways to be content here. I can't, however, find ways to ignore how emotionally repressed the Japanese seem to be. I feel like a very important part of what it means to be human is missing in the sea of people that surrounds me. (And I'm learning a little of what it means to be treated like a 2nd class citizen.)

   Which brings me to my next point: On Wednesday, my boss at the Moka city Board of Education informed me (and the other 5 AETs, as well), that our principals and the supervisors at the Board of Education would "strongly" like us to return to teach next fall. So there's that.

   And I still have a Japanese lover.

I think that's my life in a nutshell.

As for what I would like my life to be - 

I long for a church. I met a Spanish-speaking high school student who told me about two Spanish-speaking churches in Moka. I will try to locate one tomorrow so I can attend a service on Sunday. 

I long for community. I have three wonderful friends, but I still feel lonely. I typically see two or three of these friends on Saturday nights, and that is all. That is the extent of my social life outside of the AET bubble.

I hope that finding a niche in a Spanish-speaking church will lead to a warm-hearted, Spanish-speaking community that will welcome me with eye-contact, smiles and warm hearts - all of the things I don't get from Japanese society.

Keep me in your prayers.

Prayers are life-changing, and Jesus is good to me. :-)

a little more on being far from my closest friends

Being a verbal processor and staying quiet for extended periods of time is difficult.  (And no, reading simple English sentences from a textbook to a classroom full of Japanese teens and preteens doesn’t count.) I’m ready to take up talking to myself just to work through the countless undeveloped ideas bouncing around in my head. Typing brings temporary relief, but is not a solution. I am a communal being. A part of me is smothered when I am away from intimate community for too long.  How I long to have two sided conversations about things that are important in my life, and hear wise insight from those who know me best.  I feel like I should go back to counseling, just so someone will listen to my thoughts. I don’t care if it’s like buying a friend – at this point, it’d be worth it!

I think it is a basic human desire to have our voices, thoughts, and opinions, heard and valued. How does that happen when you move to a new place and don’t have intimate acquaintances?

In my head, I answer my own question. “Prayer.” But I quickly refute this answer because God doesn’t respond audibly and engage in conversation the way close friends do. They have voices to which my ears have been trained to listen.

Do I need to be trained to hear God this way? How does one train herself to do this?

6,000 miles

I am effectively lonely. And it’s okay. The last time I was lonely, I sent a text message to my Japanese lover who had previously told me, “If you ever feel lonely or homesick, please tell me.” I sent him a message to let him know, and he didn’t respond. So I stayed in my room all evening feeling sorry for myself and being pissy. While pouting at my desk, I ended up talking to friends from Sevilla via facebook. It was beautiful.

He didn’t respond because he was at work, and he is not allowed to have his cell phone at work because he does top secret stuff test driving cars that won’t hit the market until about 5 years from now. (It’s a hot job, I know, that’s why he’s my lover ;-)). I didn’t know what to do when he didn’t respond. I am accustomed to getting my way. If I say jump, the people around me generally love me enough and have enough freedom to say “How high?” This is not because I’m a controlling dictator of a friend or a bully. It is because I am usually surrounded by people who genuinely and deeply love me. (And it helps that I’m not the Girl Who Cried Wolf, so they don’t have tired legs from constantly jumping on command)

I don’t have that here in Japan. And it is okay. It is natural. I have been here 112 days. I don’t speak Japanese. I didn’t come with friends. It is completely normal for me to be lonely.  Intimate friendships take time. Trust takes time.

So today, instead of locking myself in my room in an attempt to sulk (that turned into something much more beautiful, praise God!), I will give thanks for the wonderful friendships I have at home in the States, and I will give myself permission to feel the emotions that naturally come with being 6,000 miles from the people who love me most.

Today I am lonely.