real life.

Okay, here goes. Up until now, this blog has been mostly trivial, cheesy, shallow, and (hopefully) mildly humorous. I'm okay with the things I've written, because they're an accurate representation of my adventures in Japan. However, I have kept out some really important things in an attempt to be "sensitive to my audience." I've given this web address to many people, and my readers have many different life experiences, ideologies, etc, so I've kept things pretty safe. It's pretty much been like PC dinner conversation, you know, "How's the weather?" type stuff. But those of you who know me best know that I can't keep that up for too long. I'm blunt, I speak boldly, and it's not unheard of for me to be controversial or offensive.

     It is also very important to me that people know me, even if they don't understand. When people don't know me, I feel lonely. To prevent this, I need to be real, open, honest, and... (as I cringe) vulnerable. In an attempt to do so, I will share the following information:

     Many of you have heard of a splendid person I like to refer to as "my Japanese lover." He is indeed not my lover in any of the typical senses of the word (aka, we're not in love, we don't make love, we haven't confessed our love, etc). He is my lover in that he is a lovely person, he loves others, and he's not officially my boyfriend so I don't know what else to call him. He also has a name. It's Kousuke (Koh-su-kay). You should know that even as I write this, I am wincing at the idea of being this vulnerable. It's so... uncomfortable.

    Many of you have not heard about the complicated thoughts and emotions that surround my relationship with Kousuke. I really want to share my life with loved ones (that's you), and due to geographical location, this is the most practical way to do it. In reading this blog (or listening to me tell a story in person) you've all seen that I'm w-o-r-d-y. I can't help it. I don't know how to change it. I'm my father's daughter. So, I'll try to keep it concise by pasting and email I wrote to a friend along with the friend's response:

My email: 

I'm really enjoying life in Japan. I'm learning A LOT. Lately, I've been asking a lot of important questions. I have some really great Japanese friends here, and none of them are "Christians," but they are wonderful people and I cannot fathom God loving them any less than God loves those of us who label ourselves "Christians."
I really enjoy spending time with one particular friend, and he enjoys my company as well. For awhile I tried to deny any feelings beyond desire to be his friend because he's "not a Christian" and a romantic interest in him must be "sinful" or "displeasing to God" or "a threat to my faith" or something. But I soon stopped trying to deny it and basically told God, "Here are these feelings. I don't know what to do with them, but I know they don't scare or threaten You so please, Your will be done." 
So now, this man (Kousuke) and I see each other regularly and very much enjoy one another's company, and I don't feel guilty or wrong at all. But there's a tiny little voice in the back of my head that continues to ask me if maybe I should feel guilty. 
      Now I'm trying to sort through all of the things I've been told about God and God's love from various sources in my life. I've decided that God loves people without restrictions or criteria, and I'm trying to do the same, but trying to apply that to romantic relationships is a hard step to take. I don't have a plan for the future. I don't know where I see things with Kousuke going. I just really enjoy the present with him. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know if I like the idea of marrying a man who won't be actively pursuing the heart of God on my behalf and our behalf. This is a long way off, but I wonder if it's fair for me to spending so much time with Kousuke when I have these questions in the back of my mind.

What do you think? What is your response to this? I would really appreciate your insight.

Friend's Response:

Romantic relationships are hard to sort out.  When you begin to love someone romantically and also want to love that person as a “neighbor,” it’s hard to know what to do or how to do it.  I do not think that a romantic relationship with a non-Christian is out of the question for you.  I do think that it is important—at least for his sake—for you to be clear about what you’ve given your life to and that a serious relationship with you will mean supporting you in your commitment to the gospel.  That doesn’t mean that he would have to become a Christian, but he would probably have to live (practically) as if he were one.  That is, he wouldn’t have the option of sitting idly by while you go about your Christian life.  That would be two parallel lives.  And that isn’t good for either of you or for your marriage.  I think it would probably be good for you to begin to let him in on the importance of Jesus and of the church for you.  You don’t need to dump all of this on him at once and certainly he knows already quite a bit of this, but over time he probably should come to realize what life with you would entail.

So there's that. My friend is wise and I'm thankful for him. I'm exploring how those words should influence my actions. It's tricky. It's real and there's a lot of grey area. I have many thoughts and emotions that have yet to fit nicely into some pretty pattern. Pray for me. God moves. Talk to me. Tell me what wisdom God has given you. And finally - affirm me! I've just been really vulnerable!