I aspire to do nothing more than spill out the thoughts that are sloshing around in my head right now.
I live in Japan, and I'm happy. I love the students I work with. I have great co-workers. My living situation is quite comfortable (despite the occasional feather-ruffling caused by gokiburis). I'm content. I smile a lot. I joke with my students. I say hello 250 times a day, but I enjoy it because the students smile at me. I ride my bike for 30 minutes a day. I eat well. I have a comfortable bed. I like my living room. I enjoy being around my roommate. I get to wear sweatpants often. I always have chocolate on hand. I talk to my parents often. Many of my friends email me frequently. I am learning Japanese. I have Japanese friends. I like Japanese food. The language barrier is very rarely a factor in my life. I have students who speak Spanish, and even though they are too shy to speak to me in Spanish, I can't hide the joy that wells up in me when I see them. I admire them so much for speaking such a beautiful language at home, attending Japanese school and taking English classes. I have access to good music via the internet. I watched Once this weekend. It is one of the best movies I have ever seen. My friends often cook dinner for me. I'm well loved. I'm well taken-care of.
I do not, however, hunger for intimacy with Christ. I do not yearn to know the cries of the heart of the Father. I do not burn with passion for the God of the Universe. I have before, and I think these are beautiful things. I think these things are the very essence of life. I look at the lives of people who do these things, and I admire them. Yet I remain content without these things. I don't know the balance between forcing things - being very legalistic about time spent in prayer and reading the Bible - and a complete lack of discipline. I imagine the amount of time I spend actively pursuing the heart of God for selfless reasons puts me on the complete lack of discipline end of the scale. But the idea of forcing myself to pray seems tragic. I feel like I have too much respect for God to force myself to sit in God's presence. If I don't long to be there with everything in me, what can I possibly have to say to God? And if I'm content not seeking God's face, why do I deserve to see it?
For now, I think I am in a season of contentedness. I know I am deeply loved by the Father of Heaven and Earth. I pray for those around me and care deeply for their well-beings. I, however, don't feel my heart and flesh cry out for the presence of the living God. (though I have woken up with that song in my head several times since arriving in Japan... "my heart and flesh cry out, for You the living God. Your Spirit's water to my soul. I've tasted and I've seen. Come once again to me"... interesting) Is this okay for a season? Will it pass? Is it part of getting accustomed to life in a completely different place? I am hopeful that the flame within will soon be re-ignited and it will burn with a fire that can only be fed by intimacy with the Almighty. But there is a tiny question in the back of my mind that says, "Are you sure it's okay to be comfortable waiting here?"
2 comments:
Thanks for this honest and telling update! It is great to hear that you want to be with God. What a priveledge it is to be able to come before him, even while we could never deserve His audience, let alone his love.
Thank you. And, no, it's probably not okay (in the end) to be complacent. May you hunger and thirst for the One who gives you breath. May you be utterly aware that your breath breathed out in return is an appropriate response to what you have been given, and because of that gift, may your soul be thankful. Really. Love.
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