a little more on being far from my closest friends

Being a verbal processor and staying quiet for extended periods of time is difficult.  (And no, reading simple English sentences from a textbook to a classroom full of Japanese teens and preteens doesn’t count.) I’m ready to take up talking to myself just to work through the countless undeveloped ideas bouncing around in my head. Typing brings temporary relief, but is not a solution. I am a communal being. A part of me is smothered when I am away from intimate community for too long.  How I long to have two sided conversations about things that are important in my life, and hear wise insight from those who know me best.  I feel like I should go back to counseling, just so someone will listen to my thoughts. I don’t care if it’s like buying a friend – at this point, it’d be worth it!

I think it is a basic human desire to have our voices, thoughts, and opinions, heard and valued. How does that happen when you move to a new place and don’t have intimate acquaintances?

In my head, I answer my own question. “Prayer.” But I quickly refute this answer because God doesn’t respond audibly and engage in conversation the way close friends do. They have voices to which my ears have been trained to listen.

Do I need to be trained to hear God this way? How does one train herself to do this?

6,000 miles

I am effectively lonely. And it’s okay. The last time I was lonely, I sent a text message to my Japanese lover who had previously told me, “If you ever feel lonely or homesick, please tell me.” I sent him a message to let him know, and he didn’t respond. So I stayed in my room all evening feeling sorry for myself and being pissy. While pouting at my desk, I ended up talking to friends from Sevilla via facebook. It was beautiful.

He didn’t respond because he was at work, and he is not allowed to have his cell phone at work because he does top secret stuff test driving cars that won’t hit the market until about 5 years from now. (It’s a hot job, I know, that’s why he’s my lover ;-)). I didn’t know what to do when he didn’t respond. I am accustomed to getting my way. If I say jump, the people around me generally love me enough and have enough freedom to say “How high?” This is not because I’m a controlling dictator of a friend or a bully. It is because I am usually surrounded by people who genuinely and deeply love me. (And it helps that I’m not the Girl Who Cried Wolf, so they don’t have tired legs from constantly jumping on command)

I don’t have that here in Japan. And it is okay. It is natural. I have been here 112 days. I don’t speak Japanese. I didn’t come with friends. It is completely normal for me to be lonely.  Intimate friendships take time. Trust takes time.

So today, instead of locking myself in my room in an attempt to sulk (that turned into something much more beautiful, praise God!), I will give thanks for the wonderful friendships I have at home in the States, and I will give myself permission to feel the emotions that naturally come with being 6,000 miles from the people who love me most.

Today I am lonely.

real life.

Okay, here goes. Up until now, this blog has been mostly trivial, cheesy, shallow, and (hopefully) mildly humorous. I'm okay with the things I've written, because they're an accurate representation of my adventures in Japan. However, I have kept out some really important things in an attempt to be "sensitive to my audience." I've given this web address to many people, and my readers have many different life experiences, ideologies, etc, so I've kept things pretty safe. It's pretty much been like PC dinner conversation, you know, "How's the weather?" type stuff. But those of you who know me best know that I can't keep that up for too long. I'm blunt, I speak boldly, and it's not unheard of for me to be controversial or offensive.

     It is also very important to me that people know me, even if they don't understand. When people don't know me, I feel lonely. To prevent this, I need to be real, open, honest, and... (as I cringe) vulnerable. In an attempt to do so, I will share the following information:

     Many of you have heard of a splendid person I like to refer to as "my Japanese lover." He is indeed not my lover in any of the typical senses of the word (aka, we're not in love, we don't make love, we haven't confessed our love, etc). He is my lover in that he is a lovely person, he loves others, and he's not officially my boyfriend so I don't know what else to call him. He also has a name. It's Kousuke (Koh-su-kay). You should know that even as I write this, I am wincing at the idea of being this vulnerable. It's so... uncomfortable.

    Many of you have not heard about the complicated thoughts and emotions that surround my relationship with Kousuke. I really want to share my life with loved ones (that's you), and due to geographical location, this is the most practical way to do it. In reading this blog (or listening to me tell a story in person) you've all seen that I'm w-o-r-d-y. I can't help it. I don't know how to change it. I'm my father's daughter. So, I'll try to keep it concise by pasting and email I wrote to a friend along with the friend's response:

My email: 

I'm really enjoying life in Japan. I'm learning A LOT. Lately, I've been asking a lot of important questions. I have some really great Japanese friends here, and none of them are "Christians," but they are wonderful people and I cannot fathom God loving them any less than God loves those of us who label ourselves "Christians."
I really enjoy spending time with one particular friend, and he enjoys my company as well. For awhile I tried to deny any feelings beyond desire to be his friend because he's "not a Christian" and a romantic interest in him must be "sinful" or "displeasing to God" or "a threat to my faith" or something. But I soon stopped trying to deny it and basically told God, "Here are these feelings. I don't know what to do with them, but I know they don't scare or threaten You so please, Your will be done." 
So now, this man (Kousuke) and I see each other regularly and very much enjoy one another's company, and I don't feel guilty or wrong at all. But there's a tiny little voice in the back of my head that continues to ask me if maybe I should feel guilty. 
      Now I'm trying to sort through all of the things I've been told about God and God's love from various sources in my life. I've decided that God loves people without restrictions or criteria, and I'm trying to do the same, but trying to apply that to romantic relationships is a hard step to take. I don't have a plan for the future. I don't know where I see things with Kousuke going. I just really enjoy the present with him. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know if I like the idea of marrying a man who won't be actively pursuing the heart of God on my behalf and our behalf. This is a long way off, but I wonder if it's fair for me to spending so much time with Kousuke when I have these questions in the back of my mind.

What do you think? What is your response to this? I would really appreciate your insight.

Friend's Response:

Romantic relationships are hard to sort out.  When you begin to love someone romantically and also want to love that person as a “neighbor,” it’s hard to know what to do or how to do it.  I do not think that a romantic relationship with a non-Christian is out of the question for you.  I do think that it is important—at least for his sake—for you to be clear about what you’ve given your life to and that a serious relationship with you will mean supporting you in your commitment to the gospel.  That doesn’t mean that he would have to become a Christian, but he would probably have to live (practically) as if he were one.  That is, he wouldn’t have the option of sitting idly by while you go about your Christian life.  That would be two parallel lives.  And that isn’t good for either of you or for your marriage.  I think it would probably be good for you to begin to let him in on the importance of Jesus and of the church for you.  You don’t need to dump all of this on him at once and certainly he knows already quite a bit of this, but over time he probably should come to realize what life with you would entail.

So there's that. My friend is wise and I'm thankful for him. I'm exploring how those words should influence my actions. It's tricky. It's real and there's a lot of grey area. I have many thoughts and emotions that have yet to fit nicely into some pretty pattern. Pray for me. God moves. Talk to me. Tell me what wisdom God has given you. And finally - affirm me! I've just been really vulnerable!

eyes like a child

I just had an epiphany regarding receiving things like a child. Acabo de terminar (As I poured out my thoughts via my fingertips, the Spanish phrase came to mind before the English, so I went with it. Now I will leave it because Spanish is a beautiful language, and need not be edited out. I will simply translate it "I just finished") watching a YouTube video of a Brazillian pop song. The video is composed entirely of clips of beautiful and unique people talking, dancing and enjoying life, while singing about love. As I watched for the second time, I was startled by how different this viewing experience was from my first viewing experience.  When I first watched the video, I was captivated. I took in every detail, the people, their faces, their actions, their expressions, their emotions. The second time I watched, everything seemed to move much quicker, almost like I was watching on fast forward. It seems strange that I was able to observe so much in the first viewing. Then I realized that as I watched the second time, I was constantly scanning for the familiar things, the things that I remembered most clearly, the things that stuck out the most. I had already formed an idea of what I would see in the video, so I looked for those specific things. In doing so, I was looking through the images on the screen, waiting for the next thing I remembered, the next familiar thing. I ended up completely disregarding about 60% of the video while constantly anticipating those parts I remembered. The first time I watched the video I saw so much more, I felt so much more - I noticed colors, surroundings, expressions, emotions, body language, hair styles, clothing, eye color, facial features, age, socio-economic status, joy, sorrow...

     Immediately after identifying the change in the way I perceived the video, my mind went in this direction - children experience life as I experienced the video the first time I watched it. Everything is new and fresh. They take in everything - and there are a million things to take in: colors, patterns, textures, emotions, body language, words, tones, smells, sounds, scenery. Children are constantly taking in so much, constantly making hundreds, even thousands, of observations. They aren't searching for familiar things or anticipating the next thing because they don't know what is familiar or what will come next. Nothing is routine. Everything is new. What a beautiful way to live. How much richer is a child's experience than that of an adult presumes to know, and settles into routines, categories, expectations...

"and he said, 'Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children,

 you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 

Whoever humbles himself as this child,

 he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

Matthew 18:3-4

I think this is a part of what Jesus was talking about...